more on love

later in the evening I asked Griffin if he loved his sister. he replied, "just a little" as he held up his two fingers close together. I asked him if he loved me "I guess so". I told him I loved him and that Paisley loved him too. He said "Ok, I guess so". Already avoiding emotions at age 5. sigh. ha.

Sibling Conversation

In the car on the way to John's bday celebration this was the conversation we overheard.

Griffin: I don't love you.
Paisley: noooooo, I love you.
Griffin: I don't love you. you love people and get married.
Paisley: no
Griffin: You kiss and then you are married and you get flowers. don't you want to get married?
Paisley: no
Griffin: why not? you love flowers.
Paisley: no
Me: Paisley, do you wanna marry daddy?
Lee: I am already married, you can't marry me.
Paisley: no
Griffin: they kiss and then get flowers and then they are married.
Paisley: nooooooooooooooooo

or something like that and sounding just as insane. lmao

More Blahs

I have not had much to say. I really am still not feeling great...not ill, not depressed, just not myself. I feel like I am really really struggling with some big stuff and yet at the same time feel the most content I have felt in a long time....confused much?

Work is amazing and wonderful and yet I am really struggling with it. I feel like I just can't give enough to people which likely means i am giving too much of myself, wearing myself too thin so that I have no energy left. I should not end each week feeling like I need a vacation. I am much busier but I just feel so much pressure to do my job perfect. I know i do good work...I am proud of it but the pressure to keep it up, to always be "on", to always be healthy myself...it is currently overwhelming me big time. I mean, I am doing it, I am healthy, and I am living the dream but I feel extremely burned right now.

Home. Sigh. I miss my kids. I worry about them and lee. I feel like I am not with them very much and I also feel like when I am I am on them to "do stuff". I really think I am seeking simplicity in chaos....so that is what I am working towards. Getting rid of stuff we don't need, not only decluttering stuff but processes. It is a lot of work but I am doing it. I MUST because this cannot continue this way.

Last summer I had th emost amazing conversation with my aunt Robin. To many it might not have been amazing and likely it was nothing to Robin. She was razzing my uncle elliott about having too many boxes of "memories" and then noted he had like 5 boxes or something. I laughed thing she was joking. I said "well, how many do you expect him to have?" She replied, "2 would be reasonable, 1 would be better , like me." You have GOT to be kidding me? ONE box to sum up my life...and she is older than me. I pestered her on how this could be..how could she live with just one box? She said something along the lines of "if I don't have it I don't miss it. I only keep the very very necessary items."

After thinking LONG about this conversation I have come to realize that I will never be my aunt Robin, we are truly just different people BUT I do strife to remember that I won't miss things if they are not actually in my posession. I will either remember it lovingly or just not remember it and never know the difference. Is this me fighting the aging process...if I hold onto every little piece of my life then I won't ever forget and thus not age? NOT. haha. At any rate I am letting go of lots...it feels good and it is Hard and sad and emotional. Tonight I gave away a little preying mantus tea light holder that my roomie Jessica gave me. I never loved it but I loved it because she gave it to me and I love her.....so why do I have it in a box for years? no longer....good bye preying mantus. I am moving on.

Rain Rain water my gardens...

Yay. It has rained, even if just a little, each day since I planted the garden! This is great because watering is not the most convenient at the garden....of course I would have done it each day but now I did not.

I took Griffin out to run errands today: potato starts, costco, and Trader Joes. He was pretty good but man oh man he is really in a whiney, difficult place these days. I really really hope he grows out of this because it is incredibly challenging.

On the way home we have to pass the Rocky River exit which is not only the exit of Chal's old house but also where he is now burried. it brought it all to my forethought. Really strange still and sad. I had my first desire to talk to him again, just once :( I know this is nothing compared to how some feel after people die in their life but wow, it is giving me a glimpse of the pain.

Gardens planted!

Finally! I am soooo excited to say we finally got the gardens planted :) We have tomatoes, peppers, lettuce, broccoli, cauliflower, herbs, cucumbers, zucchini, yellow squash, carrots, snow peas, and marigolds to keep off the pests.

Paisley was my little helper and she was great. I cannot wait to see what happens with our harvest this year! yay! Not looking forward to the weeding though.

My dad made me cookies....

Well, really he made them for the wedding we all went to this weekend but I am eating them, thinking about him making them, and knowing they were for me :) haha.

I love my parents. This year and very recently has made me realize just how much. I am a lucky lady, girl, woman, whathaveyou...LUCKY. My family rocks all around even when they are pains in the asses. Am I making progress that I can now see this? Or is just timing? Who knows and honestly who cares.

Yum. these cookies are really yummy! Thanks costco, I mean, Dad!